Shades of Grey
by Jossy99
Summary: Something none of us ever want to face, but eventually it happens, sometimes in the most unexpected situations.
1. White

_**Why hello there, I see that you've found this fanfiction, well at least I hope you have. This is a pointless Author's Note so if you actually want some interesting (at least I hope) reading, skip this bolded section and go strait to Chapter 1 If you are reading this, thankyou for listening to my antics, and I'd love it if you would stick with this story. I already know where it's going to go, and I have it all planned out, but as most of you know plans don't always end up the same in the end. Okay, that's enough of me talking. Let's get through all of the necessities.**_

_**Disclaimer: Okay everyone, I do own Merlin now, so this is major spoiler alert! FUTURE STORYLINE! Kidding! I wish I owned Merlin! Merlin actually belongs to the BBC and I only own this storyline and some of the minor characters.**_

_**ON WITH THE STORY!**_

**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**Shades of Grey**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**

White

"Merlin!" Arthur boomed. It was always this way, Merlin as always late. Even after 10 years of work in Camelot, a job change and a lifestyle change, he still managed to be a complete buffoon in the area of punctuality.

"Open this door right now, Merlin, or god help me, I will break it down myself." Arthur smirked as he heard a grumble from inside the room similar to 'it's to early'. Arthur couldn't help himself; it was just such an open invitation. Years of payback could be made up right on the spot. He crept toward the boys' bed a flagon of water held in his hand. He paused a while to gloat before quickly uncorking the trap fully expecting Merlin to leap to his feet like the startled girl he was, but he didn't.

His eyes flashed gold, just in time to save himself from a very wet morning. As much as Arthur still consider him a fool, Merlin could hear when a door was opening and he knew Arthur all to well. The water that Arthur had been about to dowse Merlin in had frozen in mid air. Great, just great, another attempt failed. Was Merlin really actually clever? No it was just bad luck, Arthur was sure.

"Go 'way," Merlin grumbled through the pillow, pulling the blankets closer around his head.

"I hate to disagree, Merlin." Arthur chuckled "Actually, I don't!" Arthur said gleefully. "You did this to me for years! Besides you can't be late to your own banquet!" Arthur stated regally. Merlin turned to look at him, before snorting in amusement and rolling back to his comfortable bed.

"What banquet?" Arthur rolled his eyes, he knew tricking Merlin would be hard, but really, this was hard!

"Fine, you got me, there's no banquet, besides idiots like you don't even deserve them." Merlin scoffed indignantly at this. "But Gwen wants you to have a good day and forbade me to give you a hard time. So, I promise I won't drag you out of this bed, is you get up right now." Arthur said in agitation at Merlins reluctance to leave the bed. Arthur was starting to understand why Merlin was always a little annoyed at him, but was this really fair?

"Yeah, just 10 more centuries," Merlin mused through the pillow. Arthur was really going to get it soon if he didn't leave him alone. He maybe the once and future prat-face, but that didn't mean a few harmless spells would hurt him. Maybe his pride, but not any of his attributes that actually counted.

"Merlin, I'm not doing this. I am the king and I order you to get out of bed."

"And since when have I ever listened to you, your royal prat-face?" Merlin said starting to emerge from the bed to continue is playful banter with the king.

"Idiot!"

"Clotpole!"

"Useless!"

"Dollop-head!"

"Merlin, I banned that one. It's now a crime to say it! Especially to the king! Now take it back!" Merlin just grinned mischievously before leaping out of bed and slinging on the nearest clothes he could find.

"Never!" Arthur grinned, he enjoyed this; it reminded him of the good old days, nothing to worry about, just Merlin and Arthur joking around all day long. Today was going to be great.

"Happy birthday, idiot!" Arthur congratulated as Merlin pulled a midnight blue tunic over his head. It really did make him look like a noble. He was every bit as important as Arthur in his new clothes, unlike those rubbish old clothes that Merlin loved so much. He'd worn them so much that Arthur had had to confiscate them. You couldn't have your court sorcerer running around in holey clothes, now, could you?

Merlin quickly came down the stairs to be greeted by a mass of his closest friends, well, at least the ones that could still come to a party.

"Happy birthday, Merlin!" Merlin smiled. Times like these made him truly happy, there were no buts or exceptions, just them and a good time. The grin that graced his face was so huge, he could hardly contain it; luckily, he didn't have to.

Gwen rushed over to him and caught him in a tight hug, followed by Morgana, Issraen, Janeia and Tulare. They all but choked him to death with there relentless hugs and well-wishes. Merlin just grinned even more, turning slightly purple from lack of oxygen, but smiling nonetheless.

Gwen, along with the others, pulled back, their faces in sunny beams. He grinned back at them. This was his home, his family, but there was a piece of the puzzle missing.

"Arthur, have you received word from my mother?" Merlin asked puzzled as to why she wasn't here. She'd always attended his birthday parties since magic had returned to the kingdom.

Arthur reached across the table to the pile of gifts that Merlin was going to receive and gestured to a yellowed letter with neat swirly handwriting on the top.

That was the first thing that caught his attention.

His mothers' handwriting was messy and barely legible, not neat and loopy.

The next thing he noticed was the writing on the letter.

"To Merlin, Court Sorcerer, Camelot."

His mother never wrote 'to', she always wrote dear and she knew that he hated being called a sorcerer, even if it was his title, he much preferred warlock.

One thing was certain; this was not from his mother.

He slowly opened the letter, lifting the seal with caution. It could be from anyone, it could be cursed, it could be a trap, it could be anything.

The seal slipped off the yellowing envelope with ease, in a similar way to Merlin's heart rate.

Everyone just watched on in astonishment as their friends took the greatest precaution in opening a letter from his own mother, or what they thought was her.

He pulled out the crisp white paper from inside the envelope.

His mother never used white paper, it was much too expensive.

He slowly unfolded the parchment before looking immediately to the signature.

Evelyn Brown, his mothers' best friend.

At least he knew it wasn't cursed, but why was Evelyn writing to him instead of his mother. He skimmed the letter, not really reading it the first time.

That was until he saw those dreaded words, the ones he'd heard too much. The ones that no one wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry."

And then the world just fell apart.

**So what do you think? Are you going to stick with me? Please say yes! I really need some support because this is the first story that I think will actually be good. So, stay with me? PLEASE! The first step to staying with me would be to hit the review button and I don't know … REVIEW! PLEASE!**

**Jossicle **


	2. Black

_They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;  
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.  
At the going down of the sun and in the morning  
We will remember them._

_Lest We Forget._

_**Okay guys. Today is ANZAC Day and while I'm at home and in between starting my assessments I've decided to start this bundle of joy. **_

_**Warning you, from this chapter forward this will not be a happy story. If you misread the title or didn't understand this is a depressing story full of despair and other wonderful emotions like that. If this is not what you intended to read, please turn back now. If it was hat you wanted to read cause you love angst and melodrama you may continue with my blessing.**_

_**ON WITH THE STORY!**_

**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**Shades of Grey**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**

Black

A sudden roaring enveloped Merlin's ears. The distant questions and pleas for response were lost in an ocean of emotion that flooded the Watergates. It was a tsunami, every thought, every idea, every emotion; fighting for dominance in his brain.

He couldn't react, he couldn't talk, he couldn't see, he couldn't feel.

Everything passed in slow motion, a world full of anxious people, while Merlin was on fast forward.

He finally felt something, a sudden pounding in his head one thought that claimed his whole body.

LIE

And it was the only thing that felt real, a grasp he had on reality. It was a lie. It couldn't be true, it was some deluded joke. It had to be. No, it definitely was a lie.

With his sudden realisation he snapped back to reality. He realised that he was now in the corner of the room, the letter clasped tightly to his chest and an audience gathered around him. He heard himself speak, but couldn't control what came out.

"No, no, no, no, it isn't true! It isn't, I don't believe it, it's not true! NO, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, IT'S NOT TRUE!" he cried out with despair, clutching onto the letter more. He curled in on himself as he muttered his doubts.

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder and flinched away, drawing himself further into the corner of the room.

He couldn't hear anymore, everything was going back to slow motion. All he could hear as a dull sound of voices strangely distorted through his dulling mind.

_Merlin, Merlin, can you hear me? Merlin, listen to me! _

The voices didn't make any sense. He didn't want to listen. Everyone was lying to him. They were trying to trick him and he wasn't falling for it this time.

His subconscious thoughts must have somehow taken hold as his hands came over his ears as he rocked himself back and forward, all the while muttering about how stupid lies were.

This was it. He'd finally lost it. But then he felt it, the shred of sanity.

_Listen to him._

Merlin shuddered away from the strangely compelling voice. The voice was so familiar, so compelling. He had to obey it but he didn't want to listen. He didn't want anymore lies.

_Listen to them, Merlin._

Merlin tried to fight back with all his might, but the voice was breaking through his barriers. NO! He didn't want anymore lies. His life as already plagued with them and no someone had to go and make a sick joke out of a new one. But his defences slowly crumbled and he felt a hand clutch at his wrist, pulling it away from his chest.

He didn't resist.

The cool hands that slipped under his were fragile and calloused with work. The long fingers burrowed under his tightly clasped fists.

They were the same hands. They felt exactly the same. They were cool, but warm at the same time. Calloused, yet smooth to touch. Worn with years of love and caring. They were so familiar, so very familiar. They were the only hands he would let touch him right now, the only hands that were secure.

He grasped them quickly for reassurance. Yes, everything was going to be okay. He finally felt it, the warmth return. He was right. It was all just some sick joke.

He felt his thoughts return and the bad feelings dissipate. All the while he clung to the hand for dear life.

He felt the hand release his, but he quickly clutched it again, to ensure that he couldn't fall again. It gave him a reassuring squeeze before worming its way towards to the letter. It clutched it in its comforting grasp and slowly peeled back the seal. A gasp of agony was heard from just beside him and then he felt it.

The hand he was holding had gone dead cold, literally. He tried to feel a pulse yet there was nothing there. He tried to squeeze it, but felt nothing In return. Just a limp hand.

Merlin cried out in despair as he bought the hand to his chest.

"NO!" his mangled voice cried out to the world. He cried for his mother, he cried for the loss.

He snapped his eyes open, needing to feel at least a shred of humanity. Although he could see, he felt nothing.

There was no emotion, no tears no nothing. He couldn't feel it. It was like a black hole, empty and black. Everything was black.

He glanced toward the meaningless faces, all turned down in recognition. His eyes wandered through the faces, looking each one in the eye. None stared back, only confirming the ever growing tragedy.

His mother was dead.

As in gone forever. Never, ever to return.

It just couldn't be. It wouldn't be.

It won't be, Merlin thought as he leaped to hi feet springing towards the door. The Isle of the Blessed was calling him, calling him ever so greatly. He thought of seeing Lancelot again, seeing Freya and Will. But he would not see his mother cause it was him for her or not them both for nothing. He couldn't bare the thought of being separate from his mother, but then again he would sacrifice everything for his mother breath to return to her.

He clambered desperately towards the door, only to be pulled away roughly by a pair of strong arms. He struggled against his captors, but did not yell. He was still void of all emotion, the black hole still consuming him. They didn't understand; he needed to go.

A calming hand gently grabbed his forearm, stroking it in reassurance. But it was no use, he was to far gone.

The black hole had swallowed him, and spat him out again, scarred forever more.

**MWAHAHAHA! I know that it's very mean, but guess who's in charge of this story.**

**Random person: I don't know?**

**Me: MWHAHAHAHA! It's me you incompetent fool! (Sorry, I'm getting carried away!)**

**Well there goes another chapter we've only got a few more left if everything goes according to plan. (A few is like 3/4/5/6 IRDK)**

**So if you could just leave a review for me to read so I know that you actually do want me to continue, then please do. If not I'll know you don't care :'( So review, because I know you'll all love me! (Kidding)**

**Thanks for reading**

**Lest We Forget**

**Jossicle **


	3. Charcoal

_**MWAHAHAHAHA!**_

_**I can finally claim my place on the S.E.S. (Super Evil Squadron) with my rightful place right next to Morgana! **_

_**If you're thinking, what the hell is wrong with this chick, well there's a lot. But today I'm specifically celebrating my defeat of the repulsive cross country! You should all be indebted to my victory, because without it this chapter would not have been written nearly as quickly! **_

_**I've also decided to try out smirking. It works for Morgana, so, why not? **_

_**If I'm going to be part of the S.E.S. I also need a super evil nickname! Any suggestions?**_

_**Random: How about Idiot?**_

_**Me: Shut-up, Dollophead! *attempt at smirk, but looks more like weird smile (what my smirk actually looks like, no kidding)!***_

_**Random: Wow! You really suck at this evil stuff; that wasn't even offe…**_

_**Me: You're mean :(**_

_**Oh and by the way I'm probably not listening to the most appropriate songs (All Star, Clocks, Viva La Vida, etc not depressing music) for a depressing story like this so it may turn out a little messed up.**_

_**Okay enough is enough. Now let's continue with the story.**_

**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**Shades of Grey**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**

Charcoal

The pain hit him like a tonne of bricks. It enveloped each and every limb, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head.

It was a bit like afire, except a million times hotter. The fire burned every muscle scolding it in the heat yet freezing it in the ice.

But Merlin could feel where the fire had originated from. His heart. It was pounding, his pulse throbbing through his entire body. He could feel the fire clench around it, cold and hot all at the same time. He could do nothing, but sit and feel.

It was his own fault that he felt this way, he had caused this. It was his fault. He could've prevented this. His own pain could've been prevented.

His own pain! How could he even think that? This wasn't about him. This was about his mother. His most treasured possession, the one closest to his heart.

His Heart.

There he went again. His own pain. How could he do this? He should've been there, he should've done something! He was practically a physician he could've cured her. He could've saved her. He could've done everything! He would've done everything in his power! He would've, he could've, but now he can't.

And it's all his mothers fault. If she'd told him about this they wouldn't be in this situation. He could've come and healed her, spent a few days with her, seen how she was, reminisced over old times, had a few laughs. Oh how he wished that it was all over.

The pain was just to much. He tried to relieve some of it by moving, but it was unbearable.

Slowly, he managed to unclench his hands, and reach out for something to grab, something to pull him out of this pool of darkness. This pain was like nothing he'd faced before. Nothing could compare to this. He'd always had escape plans, but now everything had just caught up with him. Lancelot, Will, Balinor, Gaius and now Mo… Moth… Mothe… No! He refused to say it. He couldn't force himself to do that, he just couldn't force himself deeper into the pool.

He just wanted Gaius. But no, the world hated him; it just wanted to take everything it could form Merlin. Right at that moment, Merlin despised everything. People, places, existence. He just hated it all. Nothing would bring him out of this endless hole that he'd dug for himself.

He couldn't handle it, he jut couldn't. He just anted it to all stop, but he knew that sitting here would just prolong these wretched thoughts. He had to get out, get out of this suffocating place. He had to get out, so he did.

He ran and he ran. He ran through the streets, the crowds splitting down the middle to let the crazed young man pas through.

He ran and he ran.

He ran through the markets, passing the stalls, the greedy merchants trying to lure him in with catchy phrase and well-spun lies.

But he ran and he ran.

Through the gates, passing the guards who tried to stop him, only to collapse as they edge to close to him. Now there was nothing in his way.

So he ran and he ran.

He knew old habits died hard, but this was the only way he knew to get rid of the retched pain. People didn't understand. They just got in the way.

_How is he? Is he alright? Oh, I heard what happened! Are you ok?_

The voices that tormented him every day, the never ending voices. They never left, but when he ran, they faded into the background while the wind whipped through his ears, stinging his eyes as the tears leaked across hiss cheeks.

He ran and he ran.

And then he stopped. It was his place, yet it was not.

It was his lake, yet he could sense that it wasn't just his anymore.

There was someone else's pain mixed with his in the air. He could feel it. It wasn't of grief, more of anguish.

And then he saw it.

Arthur as wait deep in the water, his fists clenched tightly, as if grasping something that he despised so much. He was facing away, his gaze in the distant mountains.

Merlin's blood boiled. He'd run away, to get away, not to rejoin his past. This was his place. His, not Arthur's. Everything was Arthur's, except here. This was Merlin's. And Arthur was not welcome, non one was welcome.

Merlin charged into the water, his legs splashing over the surface. He could feel Arthur's emotions leaking into the water mingling with hi own. NO! This was his place, the one thing that the king couldn't take from him.

He saw Arthur turn around, but did he care. No.

He shoved Arthur. And Arthur let him. He punched Arthur, and Arthur let him.

"No! Th…This is my place! Get out! GET OUT! You d..don't bel..belong here. GET OUT!"

He threw his heart into every punch, accenting it wit the death of a loved one. For Will, for Balinor, for Gaius, for Freya, fo… for Mother.

The sheer pain of admitting it was too much. He could feel the ever-burning fire deepen within himself. Every muscle, limb, organ was burning on fire. A consistent burning that just took everything out of him. Every ounce of resistance he had left.

Merlin collapsed into Arthur's arms.

"Why? Why does the world hate me? Why does everything hurt? Why me?" Merlin sniffed into Arthur's chest as Arthur lifted Merlin out of the water.

There soaking wet clothes dripped water all over the bank, but Merlin didn't care. He didn't care that he was cold. He didn't care that he was crying. He didn't care about anything, except his mother.

**So to everyone who didn't believe I was evil, what do you think now?**

**I already know I'm a Mastermind, so, when you review, because I know you will, or YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH :P, I don't want you to tell me how fantastic I am,  
JOKING! I'm not that Narcissistic … yet! KIDDING! **

**I feel really evil because I've written part of one of the upcoming chapters and I know that it's really evil. But you won't know what it is unless you review! :)**

**Well I would really appreciate if you could leave me a review so that I know what you want me to improve on my one decent story in the entirety of the universe! So please, out of the goodness of your hearts, review! Or don't and I jut won't care cause I won't know who you are! So really do whatever you like! :D**

**BYEBYE**

**Jossicle :D**


	4. Ash

**Why hello my loverlies, I'm back! And I'm sorry that I'm back no such a depressing note, but you'll love it anyway. I've been literally itching to write this, but the doctor was like "Not until your cast is off!" And guess what, IT'S OFF! So here is chapter 4, I think its chapter 4, yes it is! Ok so here we go!**

**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**Shades of Grey**..•.¸¸•´¯`•.¸¸**

Ash

Merlin dripped the entire way back to Camelot, his entirety mixing into the dirt on the road. It wasn't just the water that ran of from him in small droplets, but his emotions. They seemed to seep into everything, Arthur, the ground, the trees, even the very air around him was filled with Merlins distraught.

The young man hadn't spoken a coherent word since he'd collapsed into an emotional mess in Arthur's arms. Everyone had thought he was coping up until that point and that he was starting to come out of the darkness, but it was far worse than anyone had imagined. He was no longer the bright boy he used to be, his usual sunny eyes were finally overcast with deepest misery Arthur had ever known. He'd seen depression and grief in his life, but none that could compare to what he saw inside Merlin. He knew now that he'd have to help his friend if he was to come out of this dark time, but Arthur really wasn't the caring type, he just didn't know what to do.

*(Break)

"Morning, Arthur," Merlin said as he walked in the door. He'd insisted on coming back to work as soon as he'd gotten back from the lake with Arthur. At first Arthur wasn't certain about his friends' stability, but sure enough, Merlin was back to his cheery nature.

"Not now, Merlin," Arthur groaned as he pulled the vast supply of pillows over his head to block out the streams of light coming from the open window.

Merlin was still Merlin though. So, of course, he ignored his kings' silly protests and pulled back the covers.

Arthur's brain kicked in to gear. _What the hell? Why is Merlin even here? He's not a servant!_

"Merlin, what on earth are you doing here?"

"Umm well, I heard that your new manservant was sick, so…"

"You wanted to check up on me?"

"What? No! Don't be ridiculous!"

"Merlin, it isn't me that needs checking up on," Merlin cringed, he didn't need anyone to know of his pain, it just hurt them more. It was better to put up a brave front, make them all happy that the sunny boy had once again returned. It had been three weeks, he was supposed to be better by now, but still the pain felt as fresh as the day that his heart had shattered into infinitesimal pieces.

"Merlin, are you alright?" Arthur asked concerned. Merlin immediately snapped out of his thoughts, his sunny grin once again gracing his pale face.

"Huh? Yes of course!"

"Really, cause I thought I saw you crying?"

"Me, crying, Arthur, I think it's you that we should be worrying about. Are you feeling alright?" Merlin joked as he walked over to the table, pouring himself a glass of juice.

"Hey, that's mine!" Merlin smiled wickedly as he downed the expensive juice.

"Mmmm, it's good too. A little too sweet though!" He said chuckling as he walked from the room. Arthur pelted the goblet that sat behind him at his friends head only to see it stop inches from his face. Merlin just smiled and turned around, letting the goblet drop to the floor.

As soon as his back was to hiss king, his smile dropped, dowsing him in the misery that no one else knew. It had to be his secret; this depression was only hurting everyone. He wanted this pain to stop, he wanted to tell someone, but no one could understand, he was all alone in this dark pitiful world.

* (Break)

Merlin wandered up to his chambers, his feet dragging along the ground, a dark cloud encircling his mind. It was always dark, there wasn't allowed to be any light, there were no colours, no pictures, no nothing, just shades of grey. It matched how he felt, grey.

He was so alone.

He picked up the one thing that stood out from the rest, the one thing that could help him. He knew how to do it, he'd done it before. It was simple, oh so simple.

Merlin knew now that grey wasn't his favourite colour anymore, he liked colours more along the lines of crimson.

* (Break)

Arthur had been expecting to see Merlin at the meeting that they'd held that afternoon, ha had been excused from everything, but he had refused any exemptions. He was starting to get anxious.

He would go and get everyone and then he would check to see if Merlin was there when he got back. Perfect.

He wandered through the corridors looking the servants up and down, checking for his knights at every corner. None of them where there, of course! That would be stupid! Why would they be there when you needed them?

He approached his door, gently pushing it open to see his wife seated on the bed in her lavender gown gently humming as she nursed their son to sleep. She glanced up at him and placed a finger to her lips, silencing his actions with a heart warming smile.

He walked over to her, glancing down at Cai. His lovely pale skin contrasted gorgeously with his brown curls and Arthur knew that beneath those tiny eyelids lay the most amazing chocolate eyes. He was amazing.

"Come on Guinevere. We've got a meeting to attend," He said in a hushed voice, so not to wake his sleeping son.

"Yes dear. Just a minute."

Arthur turned away and walked over to his desk, hoping to finish some of his work before heading off to his meeting.

On top of his pile of documentations was a letter that he sware wasn't there before. His curiosity got the better of him as he tore pack the seal, it was one he'd never received a letter from, because there really was no need. It was Merlins.

Why would his friend write a letter when he could just tell him in person? Arthur thought as he peeled back the flaps of the letter. His eyes grazed over the words.

_Arthur,_

_I've been running for a long time, but now everything's catching up and I don't know what to do._

_I thought I used to know what pain was, but that's nothing to what's happening now._

_By the time you read this letter you won't be seeing me again, but don't worry, every ones lives will be better off without stupid, clumsy, old me. I've seen you're side long glances, and I know that it hurts you all that I'm like this, so I'll save you the pain, because I know that pain feels horrible._

_Arthur, always know that I tried so hard. But something I've realised is the harder you try, the harder you fall. So, please, don't try to hard, cause falling never ends, the hole I'm in doesn't have a bottom. _

_Just do one last thing for me, you stupid prat, remember me as the boy who always smiled, the one that could always brighten your day, even if he couldn't brighten his own._

_Your friend till the day I die._

_Merlin_

**How was that? Angst-y and depressing? I hope so, because if it wasn't, I failed as a writer.**

**Tell me what you thought, even if you thought it was horrible.**

**Anyways**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Byebye**

**Jossicle :)**


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